Relationship patterns at the surface level

Many people seek and begin couples counseling for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s just a feeling of frustration, stress, or dissatisfaction and not a specific reason such as betrayal, distrust, or insecurities. Beliefs about oneself and how they “behave” in relationships also have a significant influence on what drives someone’s desire to pursue couples counseling with their partner. Prevailing thoughts often include sentiments such as “I’m bad at relationships,” or beliefs that their partner is intentionally choosing to be dismissive and inattentive, as well as expectations that the relationship will function and flourish using practices that worked well during singlehood, while simultaneously expecting their partner to fulfill all their needs.

Taking a plunge on what is happening beneath the surface

The iceberg model (because all therapists love a good iceberg model) from Virginia Satir, who is known as the “Mother of Family Therapy,” can be a helpful tool for insight into notable behaviors such as people pleasing, emotional withdrawal, reactivity, and patterns of staying silent when something feels wrong — also commonly known as “stonewalling.”

Regardless of the behavior being noted in yourself or observed in your partner, multiple needs may not be met while simultaneously attempting to receive other needs. Let me provide an example: during an unexpected argument, one partner may feel a lack of respect and understanding during a heated discussion. As a result, they become reactive, impatient, raise their voice, and become defensive. At this point, the “point of the argument” has shifted and is no longer about what you should have for dinner on a Wednesday night. It’s about the feeling of not being respected and unmet expectations — the need to be understood because they value partnership and have yearnings for connection in their relationship.

Not receiving needs related to expectations, values, and yearnings can often lead to someone feeling a sense of powerlessness in their relationship. Then cue in the nervous system, and couples may find themselves acting out from a place of survival instincts instead of connection.

The question then becomes: Do I have the power and safety to choose how I want to respond — or am I responding from a place of compliance because I feel powerless?

Choice versus Complying

Examples of when choice exists:

• Disagreement does not lead to punishment, withdrawal, or instability

• Needs can be expressed without fear

• Autonomy is respected

Examples of when compliance emerges:

• Connection feels conditional

• Safety depends on managing another person’s emotions

• Power and control feel uneven or unpredictable

Compliance in relationships is often rooted in a sense of powerlessness or fear, when asserting power has either felt unsafe or impossible.

The 5 “F” Responses in Relationships:

Each of the responses below are examples of an underlying theme in relationships from a power and control perspective. How do I attempt to avoid feeling a sense of powerlessness and hurt when feelings, expectations, values, and yearnings feel limited, neglected, or deprived in my relationship?

• Freeze – power being conserved through stillness or disengagement

• Fight – an attempt to reclaim power through control and conflict

• Flight – an attempt to preserve power by avoiding exposure

• Fawn / Fidget – preservation of power by minimizing self or managing others

• Faint / Flop – collapse when power has been chronically inaccessible

Why aren’t boundaries enough on their own?

Boundaries are often given as advice because they provide a lot of value to a person’s life, such as stability, retention of self-esteem, and predictability. However, if there is a history of “emotional warfare,” with several instances of minimal relational, emotional, and mental safety or consideration — and a history of asserting power leading to a loss of power and confusion — the nervous system is essentially trained and accustomed to protecting connection at all costs. This makes it much more difficult to simply implement a boundary and say, “That’s that!”

Reflection Questions

• Which of the 5 “F” responses show up most often for you in your relationship?

• Where do you experience choice the most — and where do you feel choice is constrained?

• What do you believe would happen if you fully chose yourself in your relationship?

Ending Thoughts

Tools for reparative experiences within the relationship were not covered in this segment of the blog series. However, several tools exist to challenge irrational beliefs, identify differences in values and expectations, and gain further insight as well as connection. Understanding, empathy, and healing can begin through curiosity when agency is either limited or empowered. As a result, the nervous system begins to no longer be on alert for threat.

*Ready to get started? Call (804-277-9877) or fill out our online appointment request form below to schedule your intake appointment! We also offer free 10-15min consultations if you want to check us out first!